The Billings Free Press

Since the Billings Free Press is always willing to publish public service announcements here are some helping hints for those who have a man in your life and you don’t know what to buy him.

Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why.

Rule 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. A 50 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ nylon rope. No one knows why.

Rule 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing wide screen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks.

Rule 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why.

Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. He will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over.

Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners.” Everyone knows why.

Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule 11: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why!